_____and the curtains are drawn; my face is hidden.
Creative Voices
By Muhammad Sufiyan Salaman | Edited by Isabella Sevilla Aguilera
Photo by Akshay Paatil in Unsplash
————- and the curtains are drawn. my face is hidden
in the crevice between your chin and your throat
my fingers are tightly wound around your arm, intertwining infinitely
the ghastly overhead light burns me, sees me, hates me, maims me
and the soft rhythm of the monitor is there no more, and i am here no more
and there is nothing anywhere that can impale me, derail me, erase me, evade me
there is a buzz around our grave. the whitish sheets so whorishly vulgar
are now stained with soot from my septic heart and are pure no more
can i die? i whisper into your cold cold skin. can i join? can i be? can i lie?
i can feel a murmur into my ears but the language is so foreign
maybe it’s not, maybe i am deaf, maybe i am already dead, oh, wouldn’t that be a delight?
but i don’t think i am. not yet. because this pain, my god, this pain, this utter agony
it’s divine it’s supreme it’s holy it’s almost godly in its gluttony
it is castrating me. it is scavenging me. it is ravenous it is carnal it wants more it needs more
why won’t it have me? please. take me. i damn myself. i convict myself. i exile myself.
lord, i am begging, would you like me to writhe like a whore on this white graphite?
would you like me to bleed all my pus and faith into an enshrined chalice just for you to drink?
would you like me to rip all my clothes, become a virgin again, stand before you like i was new?
or would you like me to pull my guts out of my orifices and decorate them into spoils just for you?
tell me god, what do you want from me now that you’ve condemned me?
i can feel hands at the base of neck, words spoken into my shoulders, tears that taint my gown
someone is calling a name that i no longer recognize, is it my name? i know no more.
i can see specs of dust in my peripheral paranoia. sympathy sickening sardonic sluts
vacant voices voiceless words sightless seeing blinding blindness christened curse
i hold you tighter and i can feel your bones cracking
your skin is melting into mine, sinews serenading, bodies becoming bodies
just like it was only a short while ago, just like it was six minutes and seventy-two seconds ago
you used to be mine and i had kept you alive but now we are both deceived. who is to blame?
i can feel my legs slipping from the blood that is pooled beneath me. who is to shame?
and i can feel like i am slipping away, am i dying? lord, if that is true, please don’t secede me
someone is trying to pull you away, they are yanking at my hair, trying to make me look up
and i can hear the heart monitor racing, i can hear it capsizing, i can hear it baptizing
me into the ruins runed into my revelations and the allegories aced into my abdications
i realize i already feel numb. i already feel weightless. i already feel nothing.
am i dying? and oh, what a beautiful thing that would be, oh, what a triumphant tragedy that would be,
oh, how much i would like to hold you again. oh, how much i would like to hear you again
and those wails, that sang to me just for over a minute, until they were cut short
and that warmth that belligerently belied my beliefs until it singed into a frigid fever
and those eyes, i think they were green, that looked at me for just one moment
just one single lingering paused moment
just one apocalyptic second, just one sundering armageddon
and i think they recognized me, they saw me, they felt me, they held me, they loved me
and i think they knew me
just for a moment before they closed again and i couldn’t see that green no more
and that intake of shuddering breath, that calamitous shiver, that thunderous life
and then nothing.
and then nothing.
and then nothing.
no, no, no, they are trying to take you away, no, they are pulling you away from me
please, don’t be so cruel. please, leave me be, i’ll die, i want to die, i want to cease
please, just ruin me just ruin me just ruin me just ruin me just ruin me
why do they hate me? why can’t they save me? why can’t they just defile me?
it’s what i want for there is nothing here left for me to live for
there is nothing here left for me to die for
there is nothing here left for me to defy for
i kiss your forehead and i can see it when i close my eyes.
the mural i painted for you on the wall, the fancy lights bejeweling your crib
the fresh mahogany of the brand-new dresser decorated with pinkish plumed onesies
the wind-chimes singing your name, the powerpuff-girls drapes that dream in the wind
the purple carpet on the floor, the barbie-themed epitaphs over the ceiling fan
the picture-frames adorning your sonogram scans from those first few weeks
the life that reigns in that room and the love that braves that room
when i close my eyes i can see it, i can feel it, i can hear it, i can smell it
and i can barely smell the left-over traces of you now as time thickens, and the pain dulls
the pain dulls and i don’t want to die anymore because i can see it and i can see you
right there, calling for me, mouth opened, caterwauling, symphonic smiles, roaring for me
and i can see you, and there is glitter in your eyes, that’s new. i haven’t seen that before
and i can hear your lips forming my name, and i can almost touch you
and there is no pain here, there is no misery, there is no hate here, there is no mercy
and i can almost feel it, that kiss, that skin, those toes, those fingertips
oh lord, how beautiful this believing is, how safe this silence is
and i don’t hurt anymore and i am blind i am deaf i have no voice and there is no more touch
but that doesn’t matter. because you are right here. right here. and you are magnificent
in this room, in this light that shines from behind the curtains and paints birds onto the floor
and the air is alight with your hymn and i am walking towards you, my feet never touch the ground
and god, i am grateful, and lord, i am pacified.
i call your name, you chuckle, i extend my hand and my fingers graze your skin
and i am about to reach you and hold you and ——————-
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